He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You Might Also Like
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*