The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)