My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
stand with me against insufficient seating
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.