A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call