I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Pretty much! 😂👀
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason