If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
pelicons
went fishing caught a bass
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.