My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Who knew!
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted