If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK