Passed by a old school Math example today.
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Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: