Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!