If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
cry laughing at this shit
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.