old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.