I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.