Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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Smooooooth
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
your honor my client chooses dare
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.