Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.