Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
You Might Also Like
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.