when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”