The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Autoimmune disease means you鈥檙e invincible to dying in a car accident.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I can鈥檛 sleep because I鈥檓 worried I鈥檓 not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren鈥檛 you?
Me: Yes
Just say no
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we鈥檇 call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let鈥檚 just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 馃槀馃槀
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I蜔T蜔 D蜔O蜔E蜔S蜔 T蜔O蜔O蜔 T蜔A蜔S蜔T蜔E蜔 L蜔I蜔K蜔E蜔 B蜔E蜔E蜔R蜔蜔 money.
I don鈥檛 know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Edward norton: what鈥檚 your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
i鈥檓 stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither