me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
You Might Also Like
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
sleeping beauty
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…