The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.