YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.