So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page