New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
who wore it better?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The best plant holders?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.