I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
wish me luck lads
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.