If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
That’s classic.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name