The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.