When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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Saw your ex at the shops
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
When he asks for feet pics
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer