This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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pictures of spider-man
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying