I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
You Might Also Like
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.