That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.