Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
You Might Also Like
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*