If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]