My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
no cat here
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39