Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
lol
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it