Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.