SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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She: I like Cats
He:
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Not recommended for beginners.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.