Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.