[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache