You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death