If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Never go to sleep after making me angry
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.