Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Good morning y’all ☀️
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?