*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You Might Also Like
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
All excellent questions
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.