“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.