Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
CRYING
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that