what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Generation gap…
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.