My dryer is celebrating lint.
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
that wasn’t the question
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.