he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.