People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“I FIXED IT!”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe