i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The glory of fall.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato