This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Awesome parenting 😂
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.